ENGLAND PROFILE: England come into the finals buoyed by a 5-1 win over Germany but their success will depend on the form of a young striker called Michael Owen, writes Paul Doyle

England is a tiny, landlocked nation which lies just south of Turkmenistan. With a population of barely 150,000 people, it is a country which has till now exerted feck all impact on humanity – most of its inhabitants are moose-shepherds who weren’t even aware the country had qualified for the World Cup for the first time ever until ireland.com’s special envoy clambered up a couple of mountains to elicit their views.

Ah, would ya get up the yard! The truth is the English are as much a part of Irishness as beer and rain.

We know their players, some of whom, such as Paul Scholes and Martin Keown, could have played for us if they hadn’t declared for England to be sure of getting a game; we know their history, though there was a brief period – around the 1966 mark – when we temporarily stopped tracking their progress; and we know their manager as well as they do, having watched as their press first fumed against the foreigner, then praised their saviour.

They jokingly call him Sven Gordon Eriksson, while we wittily dub him England’s Jack Charlton. Which is a bit like branding Pat Kenny Ireland’s Terry Wogan, but still, it shows the intimacy, unpalatable though it may be to some, of our ties.

All in all, few in this country will be indifferent to England’s results next summer. And slipshod surveys have shown that the ideals and hopes of the tens of millions of Irish folk who enliven this world can be classed into one of two scenarios.

Firstly, there is the magnanimous, even mature portion of our people, who would like nothing more than to see Ireland and England go all the way to the final, which would yield a narrow Irish victory, but only after all 22 players had proffered a spectacle of outstanding valour and fairness.

And then there’s the other view. If you were in an Irish pub when Dietmar Hamaan made a mule of David Seaman in Wembley’s last match, or when Ray Parlour had a perfectly good goal disallowed in Finland, or when Holland ran amok in a White Hart Lane friendly, you will have noticed that there are many in Ireland who rejoice at English failure.

And English success? Why that can permanently scar. It is statistically proven, I’d say, that should ever you hear a scream in the dead of a Dublin night, it is less likely to be a damsel in distress than an Irish football fan who has just heard mention, for the 666th time, of a certain team’s 5-1 win in Munich.

These are the Irishmen and women who would laugh long and hard if England were eliminated in the first round thanks to a series of hilarious cock-ups, unprecedented climatic conditions, and wildly dishonest refereeing. The perfect tournament, therefore, would see England lose their opening match against Sweden via a last-minute volleyed own-goal by Gary Neville.

In the second match against Argentina, David Seaman would concede a goal direct from an opposing kick-out after being blinded by a blanket of fog which materialised just before the shot and dispersed as soon as the ball hit the back of the net.

The third match would see England dominate like kings, but be thwarted by the rampant knavery of the officials – all English goals would be ruled off-side, all Nigerian fouls would go unpunished, and the Super Eagles would steal victory in the 14th minute of injury time when Jay Jay Okocha wins a penalty for what the whole world can identify as an outrageous dive, and seven yards outside the box to boot.

So which scene is more likely to occur?

With the exception of that unforgettable (because they won’t shut up about it – then again, we haven't exactly been coy about our win over Holland) match in Munich, England’s performances under Eriksson have been disjointed. They can be lethal when they play like Liverpool, whacking the ball over the top for Michael Owen to latch onto, but when this ploy is countered by a forewarned defence, they become embarrassingly blunt.

Steven Gerrard, one of England’s new darlings, sums up their problem: when it comes to placing the ball on Owen’s foot from 60 yards, he’s as good as David Beckham, but when called upon to pick out a player beside him, he hammers it into touch – the boy is as gung as any ho you can mention, but drastically devoid of tenderness.

Owen, then, is even more crucial to England than Roy Keane is to Ireland. When England dazzle it’s because his running and shooting are sharp and smooth. When he’s off-form or absent, they toil like swamp beasts.

Squad:

Goalkeepers
1-David Seaman (Arsenal), 13-Nigel Martyn (Leeds), 22-David James (West Ham)

Defenders
2-Danny Mills (Leeds), 5-Rio Ferdinand (Leeds), 12-Wes Brown (Manchester United), 6-Sol Campbell (Arsenal), 3-Ashley Cole (Arsenal), 16-Gareth Southgate (Middlesbrough), 14-Wayne Bridge (Southampton), 15-Martin Keown (Arsenal)

Midfielders
7-David Beckham (Manchester United), 8-Paul Scholes (Manchester United), 21-Nicky Butt (Manchester United), *4-Danny Murphy (Liverpool), 18-Owen Hargreaves (Bayern Munich/Ger), 19-Joe Cole (West Ham), 23-Kieron Dyer (Newcastle)

Forwards
10-Michael Owen (Liverpool), 11-Emile Heskey (Liverpool), 9-Robbie Fowler (Leeds), 20-Darius Vassell (Aston Villa), 17-Teddy Sheringham (Tottenham)

*Note: Danny Murphy ruled out through injury. Trevor Sinclair has been called up as his replacement.