PLANET SOCCER

John Arne Riise: devastated

Compiled by Mary Hannigan

Cristiano Ronaldo:  The verdict

"A galaxy of stars gathered. . . but none twinkled as brightly as that of Cristiano Ronaldo . . . Messi is a wonderful player of that there is no doubt. But he's not in Ronaldo's league. Remarkable Ronnie is a genuine 24-carat genius."

- Paul Hince (Manchester Evening News) on events at Camp Nou.

"Messi 18/25, Ronaldo 13/25."

- The Guardian's ratings for the players' contribution.

"He was absolutely fantastic tonight."

- Alex Ferguson.

"I thought his performance against Arsenal last week was disgraceful. He wasn't far off that tonight."

- Has John Giles had enough of Twinkle Toes?

"I hope I am remembered by young people, old people, the entire world. I play for pleasure, but I want to make my mark in the history of football."

- Robbie Savage or Ronaldo? Have a guess.

"This fella Ronaldo is a cod!"

- Jamie Redknapp or Eamon Dunphy? You decide.

Quotes of  the week  

"What can I say? I'm ashamed and devastated . . . it was a swerving cross, the ball was wet, and it slid right off my forehead. It was a shock to see it lying in the goal."

- John Arne Riise on . . . well, you know.

"The best solution would be for him to score at Stamford Bridge . . . in the right goal."

- But Rafa Benitez lets Riise know how he can make amends.

"I wonder if Barcelona had the decency afterwards to pop into the United dressingroom to show them the ball and say, 'Here it is, lads, this is what we were playing with tonight'."

- Liverpool old boy Ian St John.

"You shits have no testicles. You shat yourselves at the Bernabeu. You're pathetic, lazy - you aren't even close to being good players. You're wimps and morons. Don't you want to save yourselves?"

- An excerpt from Javier Clemente's morale-boosting chat with his relegation-threatened Real Murcia players during training.

United tune in to Riises pain

EVER since he scored a thunderbolt of a free-kick against Manchester United in 2001 Liverpool fans have serenaded John Arne Riise thus: "Hey Arne Riise, I wanna know how you scored that goal" (to the tune of "Hey Baby").

So, what were the United contingent singing at Camp Nou on Wednesday night? Yep. Cruel.

Magpie who calls himself Rooney

DID you know that magpies can talk? Us neither. But, according to yesterday's Sunday People, they can indeed talk, as proved by the little fella rescued by the Quality of Life Animal Sanctuary in Holsworthy, Devon, when he was found abandoned as a chick two years ago.

What wasn't made clear in the story is who exactly this magpie has been hanging out with since his rescue. His favourite phrases? "Go **** yourself" and "Where is the ****ing tortoise?"

So what have they named him? Rooney. "He even tells people his name is Rooney," said Debbie, the Sanctuary's boss. Which Rooney? We're not sure, but it's probably the actor, Mickey.

More quotes of the week

"Fernando Torres is a better player over in England, with all the space he finds in front of him . . . Thierry is like a horse that needs space to turn and he doesn't find it here."

- Barcelona's Xavi explains why Torres is scoring lots of goals and Henry the Horse isn't.

"I never wanted to have a homosexual player and I still wouldn't sign one . . . a homosexual cannot do the job of a footballer. The football world is not designed for them, it's a special atmosphere, one in which you stand naked under the showers."

- Former Juventus managing director Luciano Moggi, insisting there's no room for gays in the football village.

"If I am conveying to you the suggestive thoughts that chairmen are capable of possessing the enormous propensity to be people of vagarious views and chameleonic considerations, it is not an accidental or arbitrary act on my behalf."

- Damien Richardson, in his Eye on the eL column on the RTÉ website. We think he means chairmen change their minds a lot, but we could be wrong.

"How can the referee not see that Ballack has jumped on Ronaldo? It must be necessary for a player to bring a gun and shoot one of our men in the box for us to get a penalty."

- Carlos Queiroz, suggesting Chelsea got away with murder at Stamford Bridge.

Ferguson's catastrophic omen

THE London Times told us last week that Alex Ferguson was spotted carrying some light reading through Manchester Airport, en route to Barcelona. The title of the book? "Lenin, Stalin and Hitler - The Age of Social Catastrophe". We noted with interest that the author, Robert Gellately, is a Chelsea fan. A catastrophic omen, d'you think?

IT was but a month ago that we were telling you about Fulham manager Roy Hodgson's frustration with Jari Litmanen's failure to play for the club, even the once, since signing a £15,000 (€19,061)-a-week contract back in January. Good news, though - Litmanen was back in training for Fulham last week!

But? Over to you, Roy: "Our reserve goalkeeper, who I must say is a very fearsome kicker of the ball, managed to smash it into the back of Jari's head from about four yards. It was like a missile, knocking him over and putting him out for the week . . . he is the most unlucky fellow I have come across in football. The sporting director at Malmo once opened a can of coke and the top popped into Jari's eye."

Poor fella. It's as well he has £15,000-a-week to cheer him up.

This article appears in the print edition of the Irish Times