Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace 3D

9th February 2012 Kicking The Phantom Menace when its down is fun and I admit I've given it many a lick since its release in 1999. However, once the hate and disappointment abated I started thinking: Was I was an adult watching a movie made for children? Because it became such a phenomenon with a fan base so loyal that maturity failed to dwindle that childlike love, it's easy to forget that the original trilogy were intended for children too.

It's vogue to say The Phantom Menace destroyed your childhood but that's nonsense - there will always be the original trilogy if George Lucas leaves well enough alone, that is, and stops bloody tinkering. So sitting down to watch the re-release, complete with an enticing 3D addition to woo the cash from your wallet and away from its insurmountable hype, I decided to give it a fair go. What I came away with was this: It's a dull, dry and overlong sci-fi movie.

The warning signs were there early on. With the re-jigging of the original trilogy and the 'Han Shoots First' debacle, it looked like Lucas had lost sight of what made Episodes IV, V and VI so great. Lucas is a great ideas man; he's not a writer of sharp dialogue and, judging by the way he introduces his two Jedi heroes at a completely flat angle in this prequel, has no eye for direction. Taking on these duties again when he left the last two in the hands of others was the first in a long series of bad ideas. The first two come straight off the bat: It's a poor choice of a title and the opening crawl, always an exciting way to bring us up to speed, foreshadowed the snoozefest that would unfold. Trade federations? The taxing of trade routes and blockades? Debates in congress? That's doesn't make for exhilarating sci-fi, does it?

Forgive the nerdy questions but why so many inconsistencies? If Obi Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn can use hyper speed running (or whatever it's called) to escape two battle droids, then how come Obi Wan can't use it to run through the series of force fields to help Qui-Gon battle Darth Maul on Naboo? Why doesn't Qui-Gon disappear like all Jedis when he dies? Didn't Yoda teach Obi-Wan the ways of the Force? And speaking of the Force, there's the Midichlorians: to take something that was unexplainable and magical and full of wonder - the Force and say it's do with a high count of thingamajigs in the blood system? Way to kill the mystery of your universe, George. The sowing of the seeds of the future romance between Padme and Anakin doesn't work either - an older woman/younger man is nothing to get in a lather about except when we see them when he's eight and she's in her teens. That's just creepy. And what's this about Anakin building C-3PO? And Jar Jar Binks?

It's not, however, without a certain charm: sitting in a dark theatre, there is still a little buzz when STAR WARS bursts onto the screen and John Williams' recognisable score takes one back to seven years of age. The sound effects, especially during the hugely enjoyable Pod Race when the racers chug-chug-chug past the screen, are very impressive. The 3D a non-starter, though - to call it 'very subtle' would be the kindest way of putting it but I took off the glasses a number of times and couldn't tell the difference.

One other positive to take from The Phantom Menace - it's not as bad as Attack of the Clones. The reasons for that will revealed with that inevitable 3D re-release.