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Fianna Fáil sweeps to biggest win

Man Bites Dog

By Donal Foley

The people of Ireland as a whole have taken the pledge. At the annual general meeting at the Father Matthew Hall in Church Street, Dublin, the people of Ireland voted unamimously never to drink again.

When the news was conveyed to the Minister for Finance, Mr Richie Ryan, he collapsed and had to be revived with six hot whiskies at the old price. The Cabinet has gone into permanent session and there are now doubts about the future of Government at all in Ireland. An aghast Taoiseach went on RTE and announced that the Government was to launch a "drink more" campaign. The slogan will be "get drunk for Ireland". He abolished the Holy Hour [compulsory lunchtime closing for pubs].

The Irish hierarchy announced the establishment of a Publicans' Disaster Fund. Cardinal Conway sent a cheque for £1,000. Emergency feeding centres have been established in many points throughout the country where publicans can get at least one square meal a day.

A shadow of gloom descended on all Ireland and in Dublin particularlyy there was an eerie silence. Men walked the streets disconsolately. Others were forced to talk to their wives after years of silence. One of Dublin's leading drinkers went home for his tea.

Bare Ben Bulben

Mr Ben Bulben, the well known tourist attraction, has been made Sligo man of the year. Bulben, a bluff silent mountain of a man, likes to go bareheaded and he loves the open air. He got his award for "unobtrusive services to tourism".

Bulben has been living under a cloud for some years because of suggestions that he and the late W.B. Yeats had a love affair many years go. He said yesterday that their affair had been purely platonic, based on a common love of bean rows and honey. Asked about his association with Miss Glenda Lough, he said: "We are just good friends, I can only see her occasionally."

He denied rumours that he was being transferred to North America as Bord Failte manager in exile. He did not want Americans crawling all over him, he said. He liked it in Sligo. Bulben will get his award at an open-air Fleadh Cheoil in Innisfree.

Tanks for the Memories

Hope sprang in Belfast last night when it was learned that the British Army are to abandon tanks in favour of Think Tanks, an entirely new concept of military action. A number of militant intellectuals are to be brought to Belfast to operate the new tanks.

"It will mean that we have to think twice before tanks are put into action. It will also mean that recruits in future will have to be drawn from a more thoughtful section of the community," General Kitson said. There were moving scenes as the last Saracen tanks left Belfast. "We will miss the old pigs [local nickname for tanks] around the place", an old Republican said. "They gave one a nice sense of insecurity".

From Tues, January 21, 1975