Present Tense

  • Microsoft destroys Springsteen’s legacy

    April 17, 2008 @ 8:59 am | by Shane

    Brock Landers has pointed us towards this Microsoft internal video about how great Vista SP1 is. The payoff lines:
    “Wow, Microsoft’s sales team rocks!”
    “And we’re gonna keep rockin’ with SP1″

    Dress down Fridays must be a hoot in there.

    Be warned, many PC users may feel a sudden urge to throw their computer out of the nearest window.

    UPDATE: Microsoft says that it is a spoof aimed at “building staff morale”. Not sure where the news is in this, as it’s clearly a spoof. Just a terrible one.

  • The Lynx effect: possibly exaggerated

    April 1, 2008 @ 9:26 am | by Shane

    lynx.jpgThe Lynx billboards tell us that the deodorant is as tempting as chocolate. The TV commercials feature a chocolate man having bits of him bitten off by fine-looking young ladies. Previous ads told us that a spray of Lynx Africa would send supermodels into orgasmic eruption.

    Lynx: something teenage boys use to mask the fact they haven’t showered in a week; which triggers Musk-flavoured coughing; which acts as a corrosive agent on the nostrils.

    Does this hold the record for greatest disparity between advertising image and the reality of the product?

  • Just nuts about surreal comments

    March 6, 2008 @ 10:06 am | by Shane

    A follow up to yesterday’s post about the delightful Just Nuts About blog/industrial-military-PR-complex. As some of you have already spotted, its comments thread has become a touch surreal. The entire book of Genesis has been posted by God, as has Exodus, the Communist Manifesto and Lenin’s The State and Revolution.

    We’re just nuts about posting ingenious spamming. (Although Onefortheroad’s comment there is probably the funniest of the lot.)

    Someone out there in PR-land is having a bad day. But it seems to be fun for everyone else.

  • Shameless.blogspot.com

    March 5, 2008 @ 1:44 pm | by Shane

    So, you’re a processed foods company with a new range of nuts to promote. But you want to go all guerrilla about it. So, noting how popular these new-fangled blog things are, you decide to launch a “quirky” site Just Nuts About, an “unofficial fanclub that celebrates ‘the cult of Irish celebrity’.”

    Somehow, Glenda Gilson seems an appropriate start, so you send out a press release in which you say that your bloggers are “…clearly nutty about the Irish TV Presenter & Model”. You make “limited edition Gilson fan packs”, which include t-shirts (”Just been on a benda with Glenda”) and rabbit on about your salty snacks while you’re at it. On the blog you put a gallery of things they’re “just nuts about”, featuring only pictures of their salty snacks (which, I’m guessing, are pretty much like any salty snack on the market).

    However, not everything goes to plan. Comments come in telling you it’s not a real blog, and wondering if Glenda Gilson deserves any more publicity. They go up, but they’re taken down again.

    But - and here’s the genius - to ensure top blog-love, you link to some of the silverbacks of Irish blogging, including Twenty, Una, The Chancer, Fatmammycat, Green Ink and, as a catch-all, the Irish Blog Awards.

    Isn’t it subtle…

    UPDATE: You can read the full press release here: (more…)

  • Drinking an endangered species

    February 1, 2008 @ 11:22 am | by Shane

    Following on from the earlier post about the €55 cocktail, it turns out that anyone daft enough to buy it might as well do so after a day’s White Rhino hunting. The Beluga Sturgeon - which donates its caviar to it - is not in plentiful supply. According to Reuters:

    Russia says the population of beluga sturgeon, source of the dearest caviar, has fallen by 90 percent over the past 20 years.

    A spokesman for the fisheries agency said just 9 tonnes of black caviar was produced legally each year in Russia, none of it for export.

    Even in Moscow, once known for its feasts of Beluga eggs washed down with pancakes, sour cream and vodka shots, black caviar is now too expensive for all but the mega-rich.

    In Moscow, 1 kg of Russian Beluga now sells for about $10,000 ($4,540 a lb). At the Harrods department store in London, Iranian Beluga costs 10,000 pounds a kg ($19,580 a kg, or $8,900 a lb).

    You can get the WWF’s view here. Its message:

    WWF is also advising citizens from other countries not to buy caviar from Russia, Turkmenistan, Iran, Azerbaijan or Kazakhstan as it belongs to the same depleted fish stock.

    “If urgent measures are not taken now, sturgeons will become extinct in the region where they are most renowned”, said Vaisman.

    So, should you go to the over-hyped Shelbourne bar or the Four Seasons, or any of the “select number of Dublin’s five-star hotels” that serve the cocktail, make sure to ask them all about it.

    If you see anyone drinking it, chase them with an elephant gun.

  • ‘Glass half full (of cash)’ press release of the day

    @ 9:24 am | by Shane

    Key words and phrases: “Magnum opus”. “Tour de force”. “Agitated”. “Opulent”. “€55 per cocktail, which reflects the experience one receives”.

    elit by Stolichnaya is set to launch Ireland’s most exclusive cocktail, The elit Martini. Designed by Ireland’s leading mixologist Paul Lambert, the elit Martini represents the magnum opus of the classic vodka cocktail, the Vodka Martini. Created with Ireland’s most expensive vodka at it’s heart, The elit Martini showcases the rarest and most exclusive expressions of each of the ingredients that make up this classic cocktail.

    Agitated together with elit by Stolichnaya in a Boston Shaker is France’s finest vermouth: Lillet, a carefully-aged blend of select French wines and fruit liqueurs. Added to the cocktail in it’s crystal martini glass by Mother of Pearl spoon are hand picked olives from Bella di Cerignola, the world leader in organic olives and Beluga Grade “0″ Caviar, harvested from the largest and rarest sturgeon in existence.

    The elit Martini is a tour de force of cocktails. It represents true luxury as it takes the rarest and finest ingredients in each field and unites them harmoniously together. As one would expect with such an opulent cocktail, The elit Martini will be exclusively available in the bars of a select number of Dublin’s five-star hotels such as The Shelbourne and The Ice Bar of Four Seasons at around €55 per cocktail, which reflects the experience one receives.

    What experience? A mind-trip to the moon? The alcoholic equivalent of a night with Dita Von Teese?

    (By the way, thanks to Roisin for passing this on to me)

  • ‘Glass half full’ press release of the day

    January 31, 2008 @ 10:48 am | by Shane

    This landed this morning:

    PRESS RELEASE

    FOUR – moving forward
    At the end of 2007, due to circumstances beyond our control FOUR lost its premises at 11 Burgh Quay, Dublin 2. Although this came as unfortunate news, FOUR none-the-less remains committed to continue with its programme for 2008.

    In the absence of a fixed gallery this presents the opportunity to form a discourse to contest the idea of an exhibition space. In 2008 we endeavour to implement the FOUR programme in the form of a publication, together with a series of off-site events and exhibitions, scheduled to take place throughout the year.

    That’s the spirit. And if you want to know their current whereabouts, Four’s website is here.

  • A Chianti would go well with those drug-filled balloons

    January 30, 2008 @ 5:06 pm | by Shane

    Hot Press has a drugs issue out this week, so it’s made an ad for it. With balloon swallowing, Eastern European accents, graphic toilet scenes and coke being snorted off cleavage, it may in fact be a clever trailer for a Roaring Twenties spin-off.

    Watch it here. (Thanks Ivor for the tip)

    WARNING: Make sure you’re not eating while you watch it. You may laugh so hard that food will come out your nose.

  • Scorsese does Hitchcock

    December 3, 2007 @ 6:21 pm | by Shane

    Yes, this is a big ad from start to finish, and I’m selling out by even featuring it, but the short film at the centre of it really is worth watching. So, here’s Scorsese doing Hitchcock. (Film buffs can enjoy spotting the visual references.) And here is Scorsese talking about Scorsese doing Hitchcock.

  • Shrooms: “harmless”…”unsympathetic”…”ill-prepared”…

    November 29, 2007 @ 12:10 pm | by Shane

    On the train this morning a poster for Shrooms, included quotes from The Irish Times: “atmospheric”…”gory”…”amusingly ripe”, we said.

    For the hell of it, here’s the piece those quotes come from, a report from the Edinburgh Festival which gives a brief summary of the plot as part of a large piece that features several movies: (more…)

  • The answer to our drink problem? A gambling problem

    November 12, 2007 @ 12:59 pm | by Shane

    To stem the closure of pubs, the Vintners’ Federation of Ireland has made a suggestion: One-arm bandits.

    The group’s president Paul Stevenson tells The Irish Times today:

    I can’t see why slot machines are tolerated in England but not here. I can lift my phone in the pub and back a horse running in Australia yet I can’t pull the bar of a slot machine while there.

    Hey, you can bring in your DVD and watch a porn flick but it doesn’t mean every pub should turn itself into topless bar. Oh, hold on…

    While not agreeing with the Co Limerick publican who recently employed a topless barmaid to attract customers, Mr Stevenson said he could understand the “frustration” behind the decision.

    (more…)

  • Stat of the day

    November 7, 2007 @ 9:16 am | by Shane

    83% of all radio ads this week will feature Steve Davis singing about his unpredictability.

  • Kellogg’s response

    October 17, 2007 @ 1:23 pm | by Shane

    A letter in today’s paper responds to my column last Saturday:

    Madam, - I write in response to Shane Hegarty’s feature “Pop goes the healthy ad slogan” ( Weekend Review, October 13th), which refers to information on our website regarding one of our most popular brands, Kellogg’s Coco Pops. (more…)

  • If RTÉ had a name, what would it be?

    October 15, 2007 @ 2:45 pm | by Shane

    The Greatest Wits poll mentioned below was brought to you by the channel formerly known as UKTV G2. It’s new name? Dave. Really. As in “switch over to Dave” and “what’s on Dave tonight” and “Dave is a ridiculous name for a television station”.

    Dave is warm. Dave’s your mate. Dave’s the funny bloke in the pub, who possibly has an underlying drink problem. And it leaves you wondering what names other stations would have if they were to go all casual.

    RTE1’s a bit wooden, still traditional, doesn’t take well to criticism and likely to struggle with humour. So let’s call it: Pat
    RTE2 wants to give the impression that it thinks RTE1 is so, like, duh: Becs
    TV3’s really a British station with occassional outburts of Anglicised Irishness: Jamie
    TG4: Caoimhe

  • Monkey business

    September 12, 2007 @ 8:31 am | by Shane

    This ad is probably the best that’s been on the television in quite some time. Certainly the best ad in living memory to involve a gorilla and Phil Collins. Here’s a MediaGuardian piece on how it went superviral.

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