Present Tense

Your DIY guide to Irish etiquette

April 25, 2008 @ 9:58 am | by Shane

On an old post about a somewhat bizarre guide to Irish etiquette, Charlton from Singapore has left a comment:

Hello, I come from Singapore and i’m currently doing an assignment in which i will have to know more about Ireland’s social etiquette. I would greatly appreciate it if any Ireland people could enlighten me on this aspect. Thanks!

He leaves an e-mail address on the comment, but here’s a chance to compile our own guide to Irish etiquette right here. We’ll split the publisher’s advance 80/20.

OK, 75/25. I can’t go any lower than that.

The floor is yours.

11 Comments »

April 25, 2008
10:44 am

A tip for EATING OUT.Do not queue in Fast food restaurants(known locally as chippers) after 12.30am. Instead, push your way to the front and punch anybody that may get in your way.
Always inspect any food you might buy before leaving- it is unlikely to be anything you actually ordered.

Comment by Andy S

April 25, 2008
10:59 am

When on the bus, always answer your mobile phone at the same earsplitting volume as the ringtone, with the words “Yeah. I’m on the bus. Yeah. Two minutes. Yeah. I see ya.”
This politely keeps other passengers informed that your rendezvous is about to be successfully concluded.

Comment by Kid

April 25, 2008
11:04 am

AS AA Gill said: “the difference between etiquette and manners is manners are English and inclusive, etiquette is French and exclusive.

Etiquette is an arcane list of arbitrary and pointless conventions that are laid down as pratfalls for the aspirational, as an amusement for the unlovable.

It’s etiquette that points out to the girl next to you that she’s drinking from the finger bowl; it’s manners that insist you drink from yours to put her at ease.”

I think most social faux pas in Ireland relate to drink and drinking culture so one should always ensure one get’s one’s round in.

Comment by Ivor

April 25, 2008
12:16 pm

Andy S - You must be eating in some high-class establishments. It’s not nearly so polite where I eat.

Kid - But that’s YOU.

Ivor - That is pretty much rule number one.

Comment by Shane

April 25, 2008
12:36 pm

When on the DART during the morning rush hour DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make eye contact with any of the other passengers. Doing so will result in instant inexplicable DEATH.

Comment by rob

April 25, 2008
1:42 pm

It is considered impolite not to use the word “c**t” as a regular part of speech.

I wonder if Charlton Genius is his real name? That would be awesome.

Comment by emordino

April 25, 2008
1:43 pm

When seated on a public bus remember:
The space available on any seat equates to [2 People] or [1 Person and their bag/ 1 person sitting sideways]-
If you fall into the latter category you are under no obligation to adjust your own seating arrangements!
If you do so it should be done in an almost theatrical fashion so that the person standing should know what a labourious task it is for you to allow them to sit down-

In the event that it is you who has to move someone (or their bag) or in the unlikely event that the double-seat was half empty to begin with, it is a requirement (bordering on tradition) to fall into the seat and slam sideways into the seated person and attempt to press them closer into the window beside them solely using your own abnoxious behaviour.

Comment by David

April 25, 2008
3:32 pm

Gifts should be presented in brown paper bags and should be clearly labelled, “party donation for personal use”.

Business meetings are normally conducted in dark corners or in car parks, minutes should never be taken.

When meeting a government Minister never, ever, say “Frank Dunlop sends his regards”…

Comment by Sean

April 25, 2008
6:23 pm

The entire point about Irish etiquette is that it’s not the done thing to talk about it. You’re expected to just know. And if you make an egregious breach of said etiquette, while people will bitch about it behind your back, they will never tell you that you did anything wrong.

Comment by Fergal

10.

April 26, 2008
7:56 pm

Fergal, i think that’s more Secondary School Girls etiquette.
Or “Office Etiquette”.
In the real world, especially in this country, if people have a problem with you you will hear all about it, Joe Duffy wouldn’t have a career (or whatever it is he has) without it.

Comment by David

11.

April 28, 2008
1:24 am

The Irish man or woman must only ever accept compliments in an oblique manner, with gentle refutation. Because the fairies might steal your baby away if they hear someone saying it looks bonny.

Comment by Maebh