1605 Arrives into chamber. Immediately clear that his make-up budget this year will exceed total US military spending.

1607 Nancy Pelosi introduces him as “His excellency, Bertie Ay-hern”.

1610 Makes mention of Irish Scots as first emigrants to America. Good touch, that.

1612 Gets his plea for the Undocumented in. It’s greeted with applause. By politicians who have opposed it.

1615 Still talking about how much of an influence the Irish have had on America. “In all of America there is Irish-America”. Describing 9/11 as among the “most terrible events in world history”, he talks about Fr Michael Judge, who died that day. He’s pressing all the buttons here, mentioning of the Statue of Liberty, the American Dream, 9/11, New York’s police and fire departments.

1619 Finally gets a Kennedy mention in. Also mentions Reagan as a famous Irish-American.

1623 There’s a shot of the crowd turning their page at the same time. Proof that he’s not making this up as he goes along.

1626 America has shown the way in the conflict in Darfur and Africa as a whole, he says. I’m guessing there might be some who could pick holes in that assessment. It’s followed by some bland references to how Israelis and Palestinians should be helped to get along.

1628 “I am so proud to be the first Irish leader” to inform them that “Ireland is at peace”. Big standing ovation. Mention of Sen George Mitchell. Another standing ovation.

1632 Charming them with his trademark mispronunciations, eg “Sarkificing”.

1633 “There is, of course, no ending to history.” Clear dig at Francis Fukuyama there.

1634 He talks about the greatness of representative democracy. In a room full of people under the thumb of lobbyists.

1639 Wraps up by talking about peace, and the Battle of the Boyne, he says “The field of slaughter is now a meeting place of mutual understanding.” Then talks about his resignation, and his “worthy successor”. The morning after he will stand silently at the graves of the patriot dead, do his last duty and recall the words of the 1916 Proclamation. Quotes from it, saying these are the values on which Ireland stands. “In history, politics and in life there are no ends only new beginnings. So let us begin. Go raibh mile maith agaibh and thank you for the opportunity.”

1640 Hurries back to mic and yells “Make art!”

Rubbish video, but you get the point. It’s Fox Espanol’s Gol de Scholes song. If you find a better version, let me know.

This BBC Northern Ireland report on “UFOs” over Bangor last year is stranger than any X-File.

It’s clear that in the case of the apparent familicide in Wexford, the tabloids, especially, have found it easier to mirror the violence in their headlines than attempt to understand it.

It tends to be the case that when a man kills his family, and then himself, he is seen in a criminal light. Today, The Sun calls him “evil dad” and “deranged”. The Mirror also uses “deranged”. In cases where a mother kills herself and a child or children, the coverage tends to be more forgiving - “tragic mum” headlines, and such like. Mental illness, in the shape of post-natal depression, is often taken into account. But when the case involves men, the coverage is simplified and hyped. The delicacy needed in the reporting of any instance of suicide is jettisoned. They have entered the realm of the unexplainable, so they revert to what they know best: short words in big headlines and lazy adjectives.

If you haven’t seen last night’s episode, there are plot spoilers below, folks.

Lost returned to RTÉ2 last night (which has now got the jump on Sky One by a week) and it revealed the value of the writers’ strike. Textually frustrated writers, with less episodes than they though they’d had, just couldn’t hold back. The Shape of Things To Come was a blast of violence, pathos, intrigue, daftness, time travel, revelation and bullets. The kind of episode fans at one point must have thought they’d never see.

It wasn’t perfect. The death of three red shirts was a little cheap. And Claire’s survival of a house-wrecking RPG was a mite ridiculous, even if was made look a little more convincing by Sawyer’s bullet-dodging run to help her. If picnic tables and picket fences acted as an effective barricade to bullets, maybe the Americans wouldn’t be in so much trouble in Iraq.

On which point, Ben wandering around Iraq as the only Yank not in a flak jacket was a plot stretch too far.

But that’s all a diversion, because if you want realism, you really shouldn’t be watching Lost. There were some startling moments. Ben awaking in the Sahara was a great shot. And the execution of his daughter Alex was a reminder of how willing the writers are to pull the trigger. But Michael Emerson’s reaction made it. Such hangdog devastation.

By the way, if you cared for those poor extras, slaughtered simply for the sake of getting things moving, then you can learn more about two of them here. Their names were Doug and Jerome, and they’d been hovering in the background since the start. God speed.

Sinéad has tagged me with a meme thing, although she apologises to those who hate this kind of thing. I enjoy reading others, but hate when these things when they come to me. I won’t tag anyone else, but I will write six random things about The Irish Times:

1) There are two main editorial conferences a day, morning and afternoon, each of which is chaired by the editor. At these, any issues from that day’s paper are discussed and various department editors outline and discuss what’s on their pages for the next day.

2) There’s a book sale on Thursday, a regular occurrence during which the “overflow” books are put on sale by the books editor, and the proceeds given to charity. It is always a sight to behold. The staff are like wasps over spilled Fanta.

3) The News department is on the second floor. Sport is on the third floor. Features is on the fourth - this is where my desk is. I have a great view all the way down Temple Bar.

4) A lot of Scandinavian media workers visit here to see how things are done.

5) The very late newsdesk shift that runs into the early hours is referred to as being “on Nighttown”.

6) On sunny days, the windows in this building heat up to something like 1200 degree Celsius.

Bertie Ahern’s autograph is for sale on eBay, but may offer a damning indictment of the man’s lavish lifestyle:

The signature is clear and has been signed in GOLD ink

What a display of ostentatious wealth. Gold ink! Probably housed within a diamond encrusted pen.

By the way, I don’t buy autographs on eBay - it’s a world of fakes. Which is not at all to suggest that this is fake. It’s merely an observation about eBay. Anyway, should you wish to purchase this shocking insight into Ahern’s money-soaked ways, it’s still on offer at £4.99. No bids yet. But this is, it says, “the ultimate gift for any collector”. Some people might try and tell you that Shakespeare’s would top it, but they’d be lying fools.

This is brilliant mash-up between Rainbow and Newsnight’s London mayoral candidates’ debate.

EVERY ONCE IN a while an issue comes along that is of great importance to the State and its citizens, which must be discussed openly and about which the people will ultimately have their say.

But which just happens to be so dry that people’s eyelids involuntarily droop at the very mention of it, their brains rebel 30 seconds into every debate, and their breath quickens when anyone asks them for their opinion. Because they realise that, yes, it’s a terrifically important issue - it just happens to be really hard to pay attention.

You’ll have guessed by now that this is a column about the Lisbon treaty. (more…)

Two slices of RTÉ’s promos, and the ads it ran, from 1986.

In the first, gasp at the flecky RTÉ logo, marvel at the way that mime was considered an effective sales technique, be astonished at how the Lucozade ad makes the drink look better than crack cocaine, and weep with nostalgia at how the ad break ends with those cardboard ads that used to be accompanied by a voiceover. Such a shame they’re gone. How else can men’s clothes stores in Birr get a slot on RTÉ TV now? One of these is even crooked. Nice touch.

In the second, check out the Bank Holiday Monday viewing on RTÉ2. These days, they’d just give you a some sort of Gerry Ryan Hitlist. Gerry Ryan’s Haircut Hitlist or Gerry Ryan’s Property Show Hitlist or Gerry Ryan’s Bad Television Shows Presented By Gerry Ryan Hitlist. Maybe 1986 wasn’t so bad after all.

(more…)

As you may be aware by now they’ve dug up Padre Pio, given him a bit of plastic surgery, and stuck him on display.

His face was reconstructed with a lifelike silicone mask of the type used in wax museums because it was apparently too decomposed to show when the body was exhumed.

“He seems like he is sleeping. Even if they had to re-do the face, its better remembering him this way than looking at a slab of cold marble,” said Domenico Masone, deputy mayor of Pietralcina, the town where Padre Pio was born.

You know, people say that Scientology is weird, but when you see something like this you realise it just needs time to settle in and become accepted as being as normal/weird as the older religions.

Although, it’ll have to up its game to corpse-digging levels if it truly wants to compete with the giants.

On an old post about a somewhat bizarre guide to Irish etiquette, Charlton from Singapore has left a comment:

Hello, I come from Singapore and i’m currently doing an assignment in which i will have to know more about Ireland’s social etiquette. I would greatly appreciate it if any Ireland people could enlighten me on this aspect. Thanks!

He leaves an e-mail address on the comment, but here’s a chance to compile our own guide to Irish etiquette right here. We’ll split the publisher’s advance 80/20.

OK, 75/25. I can’t go any lower than that.

The floor is yours.

Eoin Bassett has posted a comment in the previous thread on teaching journalism, but he has also posted on his own blog about his experiences of teaching a couple of modules of a part-time Diploma of Journalism. It’s interesting stuff, and while I’m posting an edited chunk here, it’s well worth reading the full post.

The students:

I learnt you cannot teach people to write, particularly if they do not read. In fact, you cannot really teach people, you can only facilitate them learning. Talented people, such as those who got published, will generally succeed even if you’re rubbish at teaching, and the untalented will remain pretty much as you found them, though with perhaps a better appreciation of punctuation. (more…)

Spot the odd one out:

Host of renowned national and international authors to attend the Irish Book Awards 2008

Among those confirmed to attend include Gráinne Seoige, Ireland AM’s Sinead Desmond, rugby star Trevor Brennan, budding author Kathryn Thomas, and Man Booker winning author Anne Enright

With no surprise whatsoever, the Government’s new laws on alcohol turn out to be weaker than a non-alcoholic Becks. In fact, this is pretty much the wussiest attempt at dealing with the alcohol problem that could have been managed. A snip at the off-licence hours, a move to remove booze from open sale in convenience stores, a few CCTV cameras outside nightclubs, and a promise to actually enforce legislation already passed that allow on-the-spot fines, and seizing of alcohol on the street.

And, thankfully, they’re cracking down on theatre licences. Well, by cracking down they mean they’ll make it harder for them to get one. Thank God they’re finally hitting those theatres hard. Dens of iniquity the lot of them. Especially those specialising in early European avant-garde. Louts.

So, a pointless exercise all round. They listened to the recommendations of the Alcohol Advisory Group, and then went ahead and ignored several of them. The Government goes on about changing this country’s attitude to alcohol, but it’s unable to change its own attitude to publicans and the drinks industry.

And it means that in a week that a HSE report gave some stark facts about the impact of alcohol in Ireland, the drinks industry will continue its mealy-mouthed defence of itself. It claims it is responsible in all it does, when it continues to target young drinkers through sponsorship and multi-coloured rocket fuel. Frankly, when you have the drink industry and vintners welcoming legislation aimed at tackling the alcohol problem, you can be sure it has nothing to do with their own changing attitudes and more to do with how watered down the legislation is.

The problem with last night’s match was that some of us didn’t know which team we wanted to lose more. But thanks to John Arne Riise’s own goal at the death, neutrals got a good laugh at the end of a turgid game.

Phil Thompson isn’t neutral, but is an ex-Liverpool legend and can these days be found as one of those strange breed of commentators who watch matches on a hidden screen and relay what’s happening. He was doing it for Sky Sports News last night, and at least one person was watching because Thompson’s priceless reaction to Riise’s goal is now up on YouTube.

Was in Galway last weekend for the first time in over a year, and couldn’t get over how shabby - bordering on crappy - Eyre Square looks.

It’s only a couple of years since its revamp, which itself caused major disruption to the city. And what’s the result? Balding grass. Wilting, brown shrubbery. An ugly zig-zag of paths. And a terrible, rusty-looking sculpture in a fountain at the top end, which is supposed to be based on the Galway hooker, but from ground level it looks pointless and aged and redolent of the problems of public sculptures which are inoffensive to the point of being bland.

Maybe it’ll look better as the summer brings out its colour, but right now it’s drab and uninviting and soulless.

The book 1001 Historic Sites You Must See Before You Die has 16 Irish entries. They are:

Blarney Castle, Co Cork
Clonmacnoise, Co Offaly
Derry town walls, Derry
Dublin Castle
General Post Office, Dublin
Grave of WB Yeats, Drumcliff, Co Sligo
Guinness Brewery, Dublin
Hill of Tara, Co Meath
Jerpoint Abbey, near Thomastown, Co Kilkenny
Kilmainham Gaol, Dublin
Newgrange, near Drogheda, Co Meath
Old Jameson Whiskey Distillery, Dublin
Oscar Wilde’s house, Dublin
Prospect Cemetery, Dublin
Rock of Cashel, Co Tipperary
Trinity College Dublin

All predictable enough, although I have a soft spot for the Gallarus Oratory in Kerry. And while Trinity makes it, it’s unfair on UCD. That really should be seen before you die, just so you can say you’ve seen the ugliest university campus on the planet.

According to Slate, Barack Obama took only five-and-a-half hours to react to a Hillary Clinton ad this week.

11: 15 a.m.: Clinton campaign e-mails: “NEW AD: Clinton Campaign Unveils New Ad Asking Voters, ‘Who Do You Think Has What it Takes?’ ”

4:49 p.m.: Obama campaign e-mails: “AD RESPONSE TO CLINTON FEAR AD”

His is called: ‘He Has What It Takes’. You can watch them below.

The Carlton site on Dublin’s O’Connell St, long promised its revamp, has finally got some plans - and the ‘Park in the Sky’ is the headline feature. 13 storeys above street level, the top will be reached by a funicular (”summit” is used in reports, but that’s a bit strong).

According to Frank McDonald today:

So there is scope to put in not just one, but two internal streets connecting O’Connell Street with Moore Street and Henry Street.

At their junction, the tallest element would rise up 13 storeys, with a glazed canopy on the front over a “hydroponic wall” of vegetation similar to what French architect Jean Nouvel did on the Quai Branly in Paris. This would provide green space on an otherwise arid street.

The internal streets, though covered by a “rainscreen”, would be open to the public 24 hours a day, unlike the malls of a conventional shopping centre. They would also serve the purpose of providing a new route between the Henry Street area and Parnell Square.

(You can see Nouvel’s scheme here.)

It looks pretty good on paper, although remains open to the planning laws, construction and Dubliner’s inevitavable attempts to vandalise it. And it could prove to be a revitalisation of O’Connell St. Or yet another plan that will fail to lift a street whose soul has long been blighted by a combination that includes plastic shopfronts, Dr Quirkey’s and chewing gum.

…is waving at TV cameras. And the RTÉ report from yesterday’s Tipperary v Galway match features a world class display from several individuals, and clearly confirms our place as the world leaders at edging into shot.

As ever, most of the wavers are kids (including an impressive nipple-rubbing display at the very end), but there is the all-important quota of middle-aged men getting a slice of the action so they can get a cheer in the pub later in the evening.

Watch it (from exactly 2 minutes in) here.

Feel your national pride swell.

If you were so inclined, you could get up this morning, turn on the television and watch women giving birth for the rest of the day.

You would have a selection of channels on which to watch it, and a variety of methods.

Water births, standing births, Caesarean sections, emergency births, routine births, American births and British births.

You will not be able to watch deaths. You will not be able to find entire channels dedicated to helping people face up to the end of their life. There are none that offer advice to family or friends; that follow the last moments of the terminally ill so that you might better appreciate how it will be when your time comes. Death happens about 150,000 times a day, and will happen to each of us. But there is no Death Channel. (more…)

Brock Landers has pointed us towards this Microsoft internal video about how great Vista SP1 is. The payoff lines:
“Wow, Microsoft’s sales team rocks!”
“And we’re gonna keep rockin’ with SP1″

Dress down Fridays must be a hoot in there.

Be warned, many PC users may feel a sudden urge to throw their computer out of the nearest window.

UPDATE: Microsoft says that it is a spoof aimed at “building staff morale”. Not sure where the news is in this, as it’s clearly a spoof. Just a terrible one.

1) The information finally landed through my door this morning, six years after the iodine tablets didn’t. So that’s a good start.

2) It’s called Preparing for Major Emergencies: An Introduction. Is there a more in-depth course I should be taking? ‘Ebola 101′ or ‘Everything You Wanted To Know About Shoe Bombers But Are Afraid to Ask’.

3) If an emergency happens, and I pick it up upside down and get the Irish-language version, then I’m in big trouble.

4) If I study it in Irish, though, do I automatically get a 10 per cent bonus chance of survival?

5) In most emergencies, you are advised to stay in and listen and watch broadcasts. This is going to be bad for us, but great for RTÉ’s ratings.

6) Nobody should “attempt heroic rescues in hazardous circumstances”. This is code for: “it’s every man for himself!”.

7) There is no mention of zombies.

8 ) I’m taking the piss out of it now, but when my house is struck by a radioactive plane full of Spanish Flu victims, I’ll wish I’d taken it more seriously.

9) The gist of the booklet: in case of emergency, just seek out Willie O’Dea. He knows what to do.

As Jazz Biscuit spotted already, there’s been a full follow up to the teaser on YouTube which showed Poolbeg power station being flown into by a plane. It’s made by Luke Leslie and David Lester. If you’re in an office, be warned. As the continuity announcers say, there is bad language in heavy southside accents from the start.

The short posted after it is also by DLMFilms. Defending Chavez does not blow anything up. In fact it’s only two people arguing about Hugo Chavez.

From Tory MEP Daniel Hannan’s blog in The Telegraph comes a post, “The Borders of the Anglosphere“:

The Anglosphere, for anyone who still doesn’t know, is a modern name for the community of free, democratic, English-speaking nations. Where the EU is based on state-to-state accords, the Anglosphere is chiefly formed of organic links between businesses, independent institutions and citizens. The characteristics of the Anglosphere are parliamentary government, free elections, an independent judiciary, a limited state and the common law.

So, who qualifies? While the borders of Europe are endlessly disputed, there is far less debate about which countries are in the Anglosphere. The US and Canada, obviously, Britain and Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. But then who? Some Commonwealth states qualify on almost all the criteria. Singapore isn’t exactly multi-party, and is a tad authoritarian, but it is clearly a country based on the rule of law and the separation of powers. Sri Lanka gets in, I’d have thought, plus the more stable Carribbean states. Gibraltar, of course, and the Falkland Islands. But all these are tiddlers. Is the Anglosphere white man’s club, with a couple of hangers-on?

The answer depends on whether we include India. If we do, whites and Christians are a small minority of the Anglosphere population. So, do we?

Yes.

It continues here.

The consistently brilliant Digested Read in the Guardian picked Cecelia Ahern’s latest book Thanks for the Memories, and the results are typically caustic.

My heart races when I see him. Suddenly I know all about art history and am fluent in three languages I’ve never spoken before. Could it be that this is the man whose blood was donated to me? Could he be Mr Right?

“Bejaysus, Joycie,” my da says that evening. “You don’t seem in the slightest bit bothered about acquiring all these new skills.”

“Don’t let it worry you,” I laugh. “No one ever got poor by overestimating the reader’s intelligence for rom-com chick lit. How else could anyone possibly guess I had been given Justin’s blood unless I acquired some of his characteristics?”

“You’re right,” he nods. “But how are you feeling about the baby?”

“What baby? All that matters now is that we go and have a series of ever more improbable near-miss encounters with Justin in Dublin and London before we finally get together.”

The writer of the Digested Read, John Crace ends it with this:

“Oh Justin,” I sob, holding him tight. “There’s just so much I don’t understand. Like how someone can get away with a plot as poor as this.”

Aherns and poor plots? It’s probably something the British don’t understand as well as we do.

(Thanks to Haggis for the tip-off)

Pat Kenny has John McCririck as a guest on last Friday’s Late Late Show, and an early wise crack from McCririck drew a self-deprecating and funny response from the host. It’s here.

Be aware that this clip includes gratuitous scenes of John McCririck, although he does go all Richard Dawkins towards the end of the interview and antagonises the audience in pantomime fashion.

Although there has been a large amount of coverage of Nuala O’Faolain’s interview with Marian Finucane - including the entire transcript in the Sunday Independent - it should still be listened to. It can be found on the RTÉ website here (from 6m 50s).

This morning, Nell McCafferty was interviewed on Morning Ireland and addressed the issue of how we talk about (or avoid talking about) death, and raised the issue of euthanasia - something, she emphasised, which was not raised by O’Faolain herself. A deliberately uncomfortable conversation, and clearly difficult for interviewer Aine Lawlor, you can here that here here (from 1hr 47m 37s).

THE DEPARTMENT of the Environment is running a television ad proclaiming that this generation will be defined by how we tackle climate change.

As examples of previous generational challenges, it includes images of emigration, an aid worker in Africa, and the North. To illustrate the Independence era, it features both Éamon de Valera and Michael Collins, so hinting that someone in the Department felt it was best that the issue of switching off unnecessary lights was not split along Treaty lines.

But each time this “Change your world. Change the world” ad runs (to be followed by a commercial for bottled water or some attractive product wrapped in unnecessary packaging) you have to wonder: what’s the point? Yes, it is trying to help us take personal responsibility for a global issue. And it directs us to a website that has handy tips, a map informing us that Westmeath will some day be a haven for exotic wildlife, and that promises it will soon feature a carbon calculator.

But is it really worth spending millions to raise awareness of an issue that the public is possibly more aware of than any other? It’s a message that is already being hammered home in schools, that’s been seen in an Oscar-winning documentary, and that pops up in regular news reports. And we’re still fresh from the Power of One and the Race Against Waste ads, also funded by the Government. Surely anyone on this island who hasn’t already got the message is, at this stage, never going to get it, no matter how snappy the ads. (more…)

Work always expands to fill the space created by the deadline

If you have two weeks to write a piece, you will intend to do it in one week but will instead file it at the last possible second.

This rule applies to any deadline, whether it’s six hours or three months away.

This paper has been offering comprehensive reports and analysis of Bertie Ahern’s resignation, Brian Cowen’s ascendancy, the Mahon tribunal and important domestic and international events - and the most read story on Ireland.com for about 48 hours now? A two-day old story about the disappearance of a tragic, but relatively obscure British children’s TV presenter.

There’s a lesson in that. Somewhere.

Kristine Lowe asks do journalists make good bloggers?

Una on Hot Press: Giving a Voice to Idiots. Ouch, ouch and treble ouch.

Jazz Biscuit. Guaranteed to be good.

The paper’s science page has a piece on the Large Hadron Collider and how it might create a black hole, but some wonder if it might bring time travellers to us.

Bubble wrap that you can pop forever.

From Wednesday’s Breaking News:

Venezuela has forced US cartoon The Simpsons off its airwaves, calling the show a potentially bad influence on children, and filled its morning slot with reruns of the beach-and-bikini show Baywatch.

Venezuala’s kids TV presenter, Ron Jeremy, was believed to have felt particularly strongly about this.

From Astronomy Ireland:

POP STAR SEARCHES FOR DARK MATTER AND MINI BLACK HOLES

Dr. Brian Cox, formerly of pop sensations Dare and D:Ream is presenting this month’s Astronomy Ireland public lecture. While playing keyboards and touring the world singing such hits as “U R The Best Thing ” and “Things Can Only Get Better” he was also continuing his physics studies.

Now working for CERN (The European Organisation for Nuclear Research) at “the largest refrigerator in the world” on the Franco-Swiss border, Dr. Cox will explain dark matter and descibe in laymans terms the work being carried out on behalf of the 20 member states of CERN and what new discoveries may come to light when the new Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is turned on later this year. Will the LHC create mini black holes or time portals when it is commissioned? These are some of the questions being asked by some of the 2,500 scientists working at the €10 billion facility

From Pop Star to Particle Physicist, to find out how it’s done and what new exotic particles may be discovered come along to our April monthly lecture.

Next month, Prof Yazz gives a lecture titled “The Only Way Is Up: The latest breakthroughs in anti-gravity technology”.

The Dept of Environment’s new ad, telling you that how we tackle climate change will define this generation, can be seen here.

Note the use of both Michael Collins and Éamon de Valera as symbols of the struggle for independence. Message: just because you might disagree on the Treaty, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t turn off unnecessary lights.

There’s a new ad telling us how good Transport 21 will be when it’s all done. And it might be right, but the phrase “Progress in Motion” is not nearly as catchy as Noel Dempsey’s assertion that the timetable for completion was always “indicative” rather than exact. It’s less exciting than him saying there has been some “slippage” on an unrealistic original timetable. Or the revelation a third of the delivery dates have been postponed.

But it’s the future. And it’s grafitti free.

RTÉ’s new long-term project 21st Century Child began last night. Too busy establishing characters and the premise for the series, the first episode was pretty dull. But it will, like Child Of Our Time (the series it apes) develop over years rather than weeks.

But, as with the BBC project, it raises interesting questions about how much the mere observation of these children over a period of years will actually affect their development.

RTÉ announces that:

21st Century Child promises a fascinating study of the development of our children through their life stages. The 21st Century Child cameras will be there, capturing the dynamic of the Irish family in some of its many different guises.

In fact, it’s open in how the presenter and psychologist David Coleman will directly assist the parents at times, which actually makes the series something of a very long episode of his previous series Families in Trouble.

There may be nothing fundamentally negative about that - he is excellent in that after all, and attractively forthright to the point of being grim. And filming for 21st Century Child will, presumably, only impinge on the subjects’ lives occasionally each year, so it will hardly be The Truman Show. But once a television crew is invited into a family, the consequences are obvious in terms of their privacy alone. When they are invited in for a period of six years (less than BBC’s 20-year plan) it’s worth pondering what fundamental impact it might have on a child’s development, and that of the family as a whole.

UPDATE: According to reports, the flame has been extinguished by officials and the torch put on a bus in order to avoid protests. Lots of YouTube updates here.

The scenes along the Olympic torch relay route yesterday were extraordinary. Blue-tracksuited Chinese surrounded by yellow-jacketed police, trying to fend off invaders, so that by the end the torch and its bearers were almost invisible behind a bouncing wall of paranoia. (more…)

ON WEDNESDAY, it became obvious where Cecelia Ahern had inherited her narrative skills from.

Her father, it seems, has passed on not his penchant for tortuous, intricate and confusing plotting, but his ability to introduce a sudden twist at the moment you least expect it. This week’s was surprising, effective and satisfying. Most important for the general public, it was tremendously good fun.

Every story needs a twist, but this is an era in which surprises come rarely. The weekly glossies have destroyed the suspense of the soap opera, whose plots are now revealed weeks before climaxing on screen. Instant media means movie twists are spoiled before they hit the cinemas; books are scanned and posted online for those who want to skip straight to the end; US TV dramas are reported, dissected and spoofed in the few days it takes them to cross the Atlantic.

Meanwhile, because it knows the public gets a kick out of a newsflash, Sky News has devalued the concept by running “news alerts” all day, even for the most minor stories.

Bertie Ahern, it seems, appreciates just how much the public loves a good shock. In hindsight, when the discussion gradually turned to the question of when he might go, the answer should always have been “when we least expect it”. He had already proven his narrative élan last year when he allowed the rumours about the date of an election to stretch out almost to the point of tedium. Then, at possibly the least likely moment imaginable, dawn on a Sunday morning, he travelled to Áras an Uachtaráin - trailed by political correspondents so unprepared they might as well have been half-dressed and had toast sticking out of their mouths. (more…)

In a piece by Fionola Meredith on e-mail “netiquette” she interviews a woman who gets a spam mail that is new to me.

“Lots of people get the spam e-mails purportedly from childless dying ladies whose rich husbands have left them several million in a strong box somewhere, offering the recipient a proportion of the money if they can help retrieve it.

“I, however, am the only person I know who has twice received e-mails from people threatening to kill me. The story is that ‘Blood Killer’ - which is how it’s signed - has been paid £10,000 to assassinate me, but having followed me for a week, he now knows I am innocent of all charges. All I have to do is leave £5,000 in his bank account, and he will not only let me live, but provide video footage of his employer. If, however, I try to contact the police, HIS BOYS (that’s how it’s written) will be watching me. The opening greeting is ‘Bad day . . . ‘. Well, it makes me laugh.”

I am now cursing my spam filter.

The Everton footballer Phil Neville has put his house on the market. Perhaps no-one will appreciate its unique sense of style. But they can certainly get a laugh out of it.

Take a tour here. Warning: this may hurt your eyes.

RTÉ’s Nine O’Clock News, which last night went out on a musical montage (Westlife, naturally). “How could you just turn and walk away…”

Watch the piece here.

Warning: this may make you cry tears of vomit.

“I’d like to say that it has been an honour to serve Fianna Fáil. Thanks to the people in Fianna Fáil. They clearly take precedence over the rest of the people. By the way, I have been the second longest-serving taoiseach. Not the second-most corrupt though. No way.

“It was honour to join such giants as De Valera and Lemass. Charlie who? Never heard of him.

“I will now assert my ordinary man credentials by thanking the plain people of Ireland who prayed for me and sent me Mass cards. I will know tighten my mouth some more to give the impression that I could cry at any minute.

“I want to thank my colleagues who are gathered around me today, blatantly reading my script and wondering how much longer I’m going to talk for.

“I want to say that I fully respect my coalition partners, Mary Harney and John Gormley. Gormley, you’ll have noticed, is standing on my shoulder today like some slobbering pet. Good boy, John. Now sit.

“I want to thank my make-up team who have given me this healthy orange glow, which is emphasised by the pasty faces of the cabinet crowding into shot around me as I speak.

“While I have always done my duty for the people only and not myself, the media has steered the political discussion towards the minutiae of my private life. I will not allow this to happen and so will throw myself selflessly on the sword so that we can get on with talking about the important issues of Irish politics, such as how much of a political genius I am.

“Now, I will talk about the minutiae of my private life. At the time all this money was swilling around my bank accounts I was undergoing great problems in my family life. Remember those? They worked as an excuse before, so damn it I’ll use that card one last time.

“When deciding on a date to go, I took several factors into account, including my speech to the joint houses of Congress, the visit of a Japanese delegation and the Lisbon treaty vote. So, I am getting out of here before that referendum campaign kicks in. If you think it’s boring, try negotiating the bloody thing.

“Therefore, I will tender my resignation to President McAleese on May 6th. You won’t have Bertie to kick around anymore.”

As a letter writer points out today, for Brody Sweeney in a book review on Monday to describe Starbucks coffee as “awful” is somewhat hypocritical.

Here is what Sweeney said of his rival:

The fact Starbucks can sell such awful coffee is a testament to the power of branding. For in truth, the quality of the coffee is not the reason people shop there, it’s because it’s cool, and convenient, and they have tapped into the “third place” social phenomenon - and they are brilliant marketeers.

Which begs the question, how did O’Briens manage to become successful by selling even worse coffee?

Some observations that arise from Friday’s Late Late:

1) Celebrity Bainisteioir is a pretty good idea for a show, but at what point will the Late Late stop acting as a free ad for RTÉ reality shows?

2) Is Rasher the Late Late’s pet artist? Has it adopted him? And, frankly, is he actually that good, or does his talent - like Kevin Sharkey and Guggi - come from getting publicity in a media that doesn’t give a damn if he can paint or not.

3) Returning to the Harris, Dunphy, Waters debate was a natural but entertaining idea. As an aside, the Aertel p888, subtitle writer did an incredible job during the later stages of this debate. Well done. Take the rest of the week off.

The Lynx billboards tell us that the deodorant is as tempting as chocolate. The TV commercials feature a chocolate man having bits of him bitten off by fine-looking young ladies. Previous ads told us that a spray of Lynx Africa would send supermodels into orgasmic eruption.

Lynx: something teenage boys use to mask the fact they haven’t showered in a week; which triggers Musk-flavoured coughing; which acts as a corrosive agent on the nostrils.

Does this hold the record for greatest disparity between advertising image and the reality of the product?